I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
