Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
