I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
