So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
