here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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