i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
