I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
