oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
