she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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