my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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