im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
