he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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