i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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