Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
