the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
