I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
