It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
