The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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