Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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