I am spending my child support on dildos
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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