I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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