ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
