I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
