matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Randomize
