When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
