Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
