I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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