i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
