she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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