he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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