My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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