my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
