ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
