You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
