I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My balls are so social today.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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