I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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