I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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