my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
