The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
