the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
