I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
