census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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