ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
