I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
