He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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