mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
