So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
