So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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