Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
