I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
